WELCOME!!!!!!

Congratulations! And thank you for choosing Traveloff as your travelling companion. Here at Traveloff our motto is ‘we don’t do holidays’. That’s kind of an unusual statement for a Travel company to make, but you see we’re not a travel company, we’re so much more than that. We’re a life changing company. After a trip with us, you won’t be the same person you were before take off. We’re a lethal injection, and in some instances that’s literally the case.

Our methods have been called unorthodox, but hey we’re not Jewish, we just want to find the experience that’s right for you. By contacting us you’ve already said ‘NO THANK YOU’ to a holiday getting sun stroke, and contracting gonhorrea from visiting the local prostitutes in Torremolenos. You’ve said ‘NO THANK YOU’ to comparing tattoos and singing karaoke with a belly full of pints and chips. And you’ve said ‘YES PLEASE’ to stepping out of your comfort zone and into an uncomfortable one. That’s what you’re paying us for – right?

Have you ever felt intense starvation that only famine and drought in central Africa can cause? We didn’t think so, and we want you to know that’s a dream that we can make a reality. Want to live life as an actual street urchin in New Delhi? We’ll supply you with nothing, absolutely nothing, when we drop you off in the depths of New Delhi’s largest slum, and we’ll be there two weeks later to pick you up. Anyone can get a tattoo, but can anyone lose a limb to a landmine? Yes, you heard it here first, unfortunately, we can’t guarantee the loss of a limb but we understand that as a souvenir an artificial limb would upstage any holiday snaps, so it’s something we’d like you to have.

Now that you’ve contacted us one of our representatives will be in touch to organise the move into your family home for 6 to 8 months. That may seem like a long time for a two week trip but we need to know what makes you tick to really tailor the experience for you. And believe me when you haven’t slept for 5 days and are gutting fish in minus 30 degrees on a boat, in international waters manned by ex-Swedish marines, those 6 to 8 months will feel like a life time ago. You never really know someone until you’ve lived with them and slept with their wives. That’s our motto and we’re sticking to it. Just read these testimonials from our happy customers:

‘I spent two weeks with my head in a crocodiles mouth in the Congo. I thought I was about to die for every second of those 14 days. I’ve just regained use of my rectal muscle. You wouldn’t get that on e-bookers.’ John, 54, Iowa

‘At first I thought a blood transfusion was a bit severe for a holiday to Germany, but after 3 days stacking shelves at Aldi, I knew I’d made the right decision.’ Paula, 36, London

‘Who knew a sweat shop in China could be so much fun!’ Bert, 71, Dublin

Boy, are they glad they chose Traveloff.

We encourage our Clients to step away from what they know. We can put you on the factory floor of a production line, manufacturing dishwasher parts in the wilds of Poland. Just think you can live life as a depressed Pole, you’ll wake up every morning at 4, fight off the unwanted attention of your ‘husband’ who’s still drunk from the night before. Catch a 90 minute bus ride and then get to stand all day on an assembly line doing such mundane tasks as screwing bits onto parts, only stopping to smoke unfiltered cigarettes. At the end of the day you’ll get back on that bus and home to cook dinner of potatoes and ham for your family of 9. If that’s not your cup of tea, what about a taste of life as a Christian Fundamentalist? We’ll send you down Mississippi way, put you in plain clothes and have you memorise the bible so scripture will fall off your tongue as easy as Britney Spears lyrics do now. We’ll deck you out with placards condemning pretty much everything you can think of with a tapestry of words as rich as ‘Rap music is Devil music’, and with a few recipies for homemade lemonade you’ll be making bigoted church friends in no time at all.

Or do you have other dreams and aspirations? Share them with us. Here at Traveloff we’re open to suggestions.

As with all modern day travel you will have to obtain a number of vaccinations, for safety reasons we recommend that our clients undergo a complete blood transfusion, with the blood of an unborn fetus. There will also be a mandatory isolation period of 6 months for the body to readjust after the short electric shock therapy course. This may all seem a little bit drastic but I assure you when you’re spending a week enclosed in an actual battery hen cage in Yorkshire the straight jackets and anal leakage will seem a million miles away.

We are so excited to be working with you. Remember this isn’t a holiday this is the beginning of a malignant growth.

We’ll be in touch soon.

Your friends at Traveloff